By Scott Ross
For them as cares, the following represents the long-awaited (by me) follow-up to my 11 June, 2021 post on the disintegration of spoken and written* English in America, in which, with the assistance of Eliot M. Camarena, I presented a nauseatingly detailed compilation of some of the worst grammatical offenses against both God and mammon, compiled over the previous several months. I kept meaning to cobble together a follow-up but the longer my and Eliot’s list grew, the less I felt up to the task of detailing these gruesome transgressions against education, meaning, good sense and literacy. It occurred to me, however, that I could at the very least list a few of them, for the edification, disgust and/or amusement of the curious, with some relevant commentary along the way.
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now; these are merely the items that came either my or Eliot’s way since January of this year.
Mock my words. Formerly “Mark my words,” which speakers of English employed and understood from at least the year 1535, when Miles Coverdale employed it in his translation of the Bible (Isaiah 28:23) but which Zoomers, hearing yet again another “eggcorn,” have lately fucked up beyond all recognition. But since they have given me their express permission to mock them…
Do people like this never think about the meaning of the words they use?
“Equivocate.” Used when the speaker means “equate.” Eliot recently heard this one from a news actor who nattered, “He’s trying to equivocate what America is doing to what the Soviets did.” Well, what can one expect from people who think “equity” is the same as “equality” and consider Joe Biden a model of probity and compassion?
Nonplussed. It means surprised or confused but as Eliot notes, “they think it means not perturbed.” See https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12970861/Underwear-man-tv-interview-newsmax-Dick-Morris.html
“Smoke in mirrors.” Another bastardization of a phrase that has been in use for centuries, in this case since the 1770s. How do they think this alleged smoke gets into the mirrors?
Cow-tailing. As in Larry Kudlow, the former Director of something called the National Economic Council of the United States, praising a certain politician who shall go nameless for not “cow tailing” to the financial sector. And we thought “cow-down” was idiotic. How, pray, does one cow-tail? Or is the answer just too disgusting to air in mixed company?
Rando. A word much beloved by the older generations now as well. (cf., the once-amusing comedian Jimmy Dore, who uses it, as he would say, “on the regular.”) Altering a word for slang purposes usually involves shortening the original — stupidly, for the most part, but rendering it briefer nonetheless. What is the point of abbreviating “random”? You’re still speaking two syllables. Why bother being that annoying for no good reason?
Chord-in-aye-shin. How sub-literate talking heads currently pronounce “coördination.” Perhaps they got it from Karrine Jean-Pierre, whom Eliot once referred to, wittily, as the Haitian kewpie doll and who perpetually keeps this mispronunciation top-of-mind…
Bumper cars. I once heard an otherwise articulate person repeatedly refer to theoretical impediments to government censorship as the need to put “bumper-cars” in front of them. (Eliot: “Guardrails’ now is not good enough?”)
Splitting image. As Groucho Marx once said, “And that reminds me of a story that’s so dirty I’m ashamed to think of it myself.” In my case it involves Little Johnny, his mother, and a pair of headlights.
Implicate. Formerly “imply.” See Willis, Fani.
Move ford. Or perhaps “Move Ford.” Previously pronounced, “move forward.” The whole company? Move it where? And how — with a winch, or Archimedes’ lever?
Belly-wiggle. “Bailiwick” for morons. I wish Eliot was making this one up: “Fox Business News host Neil Cavuto, considered one of their genuine ‘reporters,’ interviewed a corporate CEO and brought up the subject of artificial intelligence, because that is this year’s Oat Bran, and he prefaced it with: ‘Now, I know this is not your belly wiggle, but let’s talk about AI.'”
“Blotch” for “botch.” As in this, from an otherwise intelligent and well-reasoned letter to the Bismark Tribune: “Who blotched the Afghanistan US military withdrawal, it was Biden,” and which also holds the distinction of being a run-on sentence. (Thanks to Eliot once again.)
Whenever I hear the word “blotch,” I am irresistibly reminded of the hilarious Mack David lyrics to Burt Bacharach’s unmistakable music for the theme-song (I’m not joking!) from The Blob:
Beware of The Blob!
It creeps and leaps and glides and slides
Across the floor, right through the door
And all around the wall, a splotch, a blotch,
Be careful of The Blob!
Vociferously. Occasioned by hearing Abby Martin say that after 9-11 she started “vociferously reading.” What does she think the damned word means?
In lieu of. They apparently think it means the same thing as “in light of.”
Betting an eye. As in this, said of a politician: “He lies without betting an eye.” The inevitable result of betting eyes is the blind leading the you-know-who.
Adding a superfluous “s” to the end of words and phrases that have neither had nor needed them in the entirety of English-speaking history. “Three-times lottery winner,” “Forty-dollars item.” Did they all flunk basic grammar at the same time?
Based off. Used routinely now instead of the widely accepted “based on,” understood as correct by everyone, for decades if not centuries.
A friend comments: When I complained about this to my 23-year-old son, who makes a living as a writer and editor, he ridiculed me. He suggested that I was ignorant of various factors in current usage (he mentioned hip-hop) that may account for this sudden change, and that my resistance to it could, in certain circumstances, be considered racist. Following Fowler’s rule that usage should serve clarity in writing, I made the case that a base is what a thing rests on; from which a thing originates. The movie is based on the book. The rocket takes off from the launchpad. Simple. But I’m afraid this battle is already lost.
If using words and phrases correctly is now considered racist, I am very much afraid that under that definition I am a hopeless retrograde bigot.
Codgered. Via Eliot: “He codgered up the whole thing.’ From a lawyer… We’re doomed.”
Suspect. Frequently abbreviated to “sus.” Used habitually (and, I am very much afraid, permanently) now by know-nothings of every age and weight, for “suspicious,” as in, I’m suspect of him. No, my dears. You are suspicious of him. On the other hand, I also suspect you are a moron because you sound so suspiciously like one.
Dunk. As in, “he got dunked on.” What does this even mean? We used to say someone was “dumped on,” which immediately conjures up an image that, while perhaps unsavory, is strong and effective. Conversely, one dunks in, as with a donut and a cup of java, or a basketball and a hoop. How on earth does this now equate to victimizing someone?
Dropping the “ex” sound. Along with eliding one’s “t”s, this is now something people of all ages do. “Accept” is “ass-ept,” for example. “Except” is “ess-sept.” Who’d they take elocution lessons from — Al Jolson? We learned how to blend consonant sounds in the first grade. It was important enough they taught it to us as early as they could. But then, they also taught us to write in cursive, which useful skill has since been entirely eliminated from public education.
“Per” for “pre” and “pro.” Heard daily on American media. Eliot: “Pretend is now Pertend. Protect is now Pertect. I can’t go on, it is so annoying.”
Marshall Law. What know-nothing (or do I mean “no-nothing”?) liberals are sure Donald Trump will invoke the moment he’s sworn in again. Presumably as Town Marshall.
Boom for boon. From Eliot, via Twitter/X:
And if they used “boon,” they’d probably use it wrong as well: “He, like, literally lowered the boon on me.”
Sew-crates. The Greek philosopher formerly known as Socrates. College students now pronounce his name this way… although they are at pains to admit they are not sure who he was… Eliot: “Just saw another video with an undergrad talking about ‘this Greek guy, I’m pretty sure they killed him, called Sew-Crates.'” What was once part of a Steve Martin punch-line is now a living reality, and not funny any longer.
Dropped. While it now means, almost exclusively, premiering something, it also apparently means the opposite of dropping. From Eliot: “Several people were taken in for questioning, but no charges were dropped, the NYPD said. Using Jr. High slang in a news article.”
I am convinced that soon there will be two major groups in America: Those who can talk to each other in a known, intelligent language and those who only understand what sub-literates are saying. And the latter will increasingly outnumber the former.
While we’re at it try this, from a paid video advertisement(!) for a biodegradable cleaner guaranteed to get your stainless steel shining again:
And just last week I heard that nice Jewish boy Glenn Greenwald refer, repeatedly, to an Israeli “kibbitz” attacked on October 7th.
Finally, I leave you with this gem of “writing,” from a New York Post story Eliot sent me: New research has confirmed that increasingly less Millennials and Gen Zers are not having children, and there is a “scary” reason why.
We are doomed.
My thanks again to Eliot, with whom I feel I ought properly to share this by-line.
*Not “verbal and written.” To be verbal is to use words, not only to speak them.
Text copyright 2024 by Scott Ross
So few critics, so many poets 
It’s all so damn repressing…
(Thanks for the mentions!)
JUST heard that “government regulations will kowtow us all into driving electric cars.”
I give up…
And thank you for at least 50 per cent of this!